Harry Potter, The Musical
by htdcd
Summary: Each chapter is a different song fic - some are tragic, some are hilarious. If you don't like them, stay away! Some examples are "If I Die Young," Eminem's "Without Me", and West Side Story's "Officer Krumpke". Good ole' fashioned song-fic fun!
1. Chapter 1  If I Die Young

Disclaimer: All intellectual & physical property of Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling & Warner Bros. Also, the song "If I Die Young" is not mine, but I'm not sure which record label she's signed with.

**The Words of a Love Song**

_If I die young, bury me in satin  
>Lay me down on a, bed of roses<br>Sink me in the river, at dawn  
>Send me away with the words of a love song<em>

Harry closed his eyes as he stepped toward Voldemort, preparing to take the curse he knew would end his life. Odd, how long his life had felt, when it had really been quite short. He supposed that was because he had endured so much more than anyone else his age. He had resigned himself already – he was no longer terrified of the act of dying. He believed Sirius when he'd said it didn't hurt. Sirius wouldn't lie to him. No, now he was afraid for the others – those he would leave behind. Those who weren't ready for him to die: Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Mrs. Weasley, so many who would be torn apart by his death. He hoped that he wouldn't have to see them suffer, in whatever afterlife he was destined for – he didn't think he could bear to see any of them cry. He hoped they would eventually forgive him for what he was doing; they didn't know he had no other choice, but somehow, even if he had been able to tell them, he didn't think it would have made the situation any easier. He opened his eyes, determined to stare down the shell of a man who had destroyed his life. He saw the wand rise, the lips move, and the jet of green light advance on him, as if in slow motion. His last thought was a vague abstraction regarding what he hoped would happen to his body after he was gone.

_Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother  
>She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and<br>Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no  
>Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby<br>The sharp knife of a short life, well  
>I've had, just enough time<em>

Fred watched with regret as his brothers, Harry, and Hermione hovered over his now lifeless body. He feared for them as curses and hexes still flew around them, but he felt stirrings of gratitude as they dragged his body off to protect it. It was even harder when others came to move him into the Great Hall. He thought his heart would break from the pain he saw on his mother's and father's faces. Then he remembered his heart beat no more. He tried to reach them – to comfort them. He tried to let them know he was all right, especially George. He didn't want them to suffer because he was gone. He'd had such a wonderful time while he was alive – filled with fun and laughter and joy. He'd lived every moment to the fullest – how could he be sad that it was over, before he had to endure real heartache and loss? He hoped his wishes for them would one day be fulfilled, that they would know he was safe and happy and knew he had been loved. He could tarry no longer, however, and he drifted off to the beyond.

_If I die young, bury me in satin  
>Lay me down on a, bed of roses<br>Sink me in the river, at dawn  
>Send me away with the words of a love song<br>The sharp knife of a short life, well  
>I've had, just enough time<em>

Lily held Harry close. Afraid, she was so afraid for her son. James was already dead – the hole in her heart tore with agony. But she couldn't lose Harry, too. She would rather die. Barely over twenty, but she was ready to give up her life. All the things she had yet to do, all the goals she had yet to accomplish, wishes yet to be made, life yet to live – none of these things entered her head at this moment. She had to save her son – and if she could do that, well, then that would be achievement enough for her.

_And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom  
>I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've<br>Never known the lovin' of a man  
>But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a<br>Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,  
>Who would have thought forever could be severed by<br>The sharp knife of a short life, well,  
>I've had, just enough time<br>So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls  
><em>

Tonks and Remus gazed down at their son. They exchanged a glance of longing, sorrow for the truth that they would not be there for him. They had fought through so much – a strained courtship, forbidden romance, but ended with the promises of forever. _Perhaps forever is relative_, they thought. But they had done well – produced a miraculous beauty of a child, helped rid the world of an evil monster, and ensured the safety of generations to come. Even though it hadn't seemed like much before their deaths, they realized that they had done all they would have ever been able to do.

_What I never did is done_  
><em>A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar<br>They're worth so much more after I'm a goner  
>And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin'<br>Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'_

Albus saw the stars in the inky blackness of the sky as he sailed over the parapet. Oh, how he wished things had been different. There weren't enough time turners in the world to fix things now, however. Perhaps he had played things too close to the vest? Perhaps he ought to have told more people of things over time? He wondered who would be the first to dissect him brutally now that he was gone – Fudge? Skeeter, maybe? People would clamor for it – too bad he couldn't set up some way to collect posthumously. It was of no consequence. He hoped the things he'd said, done, and taught those for the good of their world would outweigh the poor choices he'd made over time. He conceded that those who thought so would continue to and those who didn't wouldn't change. It wasn't as if his death was simply going to make people suddenly listen to that which they did not choose to hear. He was dead before he hit the ground.

_If I die young, bury me in satin  
>Lay me down on a, bed of roses<br>Sink me in the river, at dawn  
>Send me away with the words of a love song<em>

Sirius saw Harry's face from the other side of the veil. He was falling, falling, reaching for Harry, but he couldn't get to him. He saw the anguish, the pain, the anger on the boy's face. It hurt to see. He wanted to call out to Harry – hold him and whisper apologies in his ear for failing him. Sorry, sorry, so sorry. How could he leave him, too? James and Lily were already gone; he was all who was left to care about Harry. He had vowed to never desert him. It would have been better to have died with Lily and James – died in his youth before he could have loved Harry and cared for him so. This was more unfairness to the boy, who had done nothing wrong, yet endured so much punishment. He tried, tried so hard to claw his way out, back to his godson whom he loved more than life itself. He tried, but he was being pulled away, away from Harry, and soon the tear-streaked, grief-stricken, beautiful face was gone behind a haze from which he would never again emerge.

_The ballad of a dove  
>Go with peace and love<br>Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket  
>Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh<br>The sharp knife of a short life, well  
>I've had, just enough time<em>

Severus Snape smirked at the infant in the crib. Sentimental Potter, giving his second son 'Severus' for a middle name. He'd watched his own funeral – sparsely attended, and those present did not shed tears, not even any feigned in decency. He was not offended. He'd made his peace, given Potter the memories. He'd absolved himself of the guilt he'd lived with nearly all of his much-too-long life, even if it was short by most standards. He knew there were many more real sorrows to be had in their lives, they needn't waste their grief on Severus Snape. He'd thought Potter's drive to exonerate his name and mount his portrait in the Headmaster's office were done out of a sense of obligated duty, rather than anything else. But seeing the infant waving his arms about, gurgling incoherently up at the broomstick mobile, Severus knew he'd been wrong. Potter had forgiven him; Harry truly understood. And that alone was enough for Severus Snape to realize that he'd done as much as he'd needed to do during his brief time on Earth.

_So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls_


	2. Chapter 2  One Song

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Rent rights are not mine.

**Cedric's Song** (To the tune of "One Song" from Rent)

One song, Glory

One song, before I die

Glory, one song to leave behind

Find-

One song, one lasting spell, glory,

For the Hufflepuff front man

Who took this opportunity

One song, as I sway on my feet

Glory, in the eyes of my girlfried

Cho-oh!

Find-

Glory, beyond the great Quidditch field

One song – before the sunset

Glory – on another shortened life

Time flies; I die!

Glory –

One blaze of – glory

One blaze of – glory

Find –

Glory in a song about me

Glory – in the soul of a young man

A young man

Find

The one song

Before the curse takes its hold

Glory

Like a sunset

One song

To redeem this ended life

Time flies

Now I've no need to endure anymore

I die…


	3. Chapter 3  Without Me

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Eminem's lyrics/music rights are not mine.

**Without Me** (To the tune of Eminem's "Without Me")

Voldemort: "Without Me"

WORMTAIL (while the Death Eaters dance around the graveyard)

Two bad Death Eaters go round the outside;

round the outside, round the outside

*scratches*

Two bad Death Eaters go round the outside;

round the outside, round the outside

*scratches*

Guess who's back

Back again

Voldemort-

Tell a friend

Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back

guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.. {*Wormtail hums*}

Voldemort

I've become a monster, cause nobody wants to see me anymore

They want Harry, I'm chopped liver

Well if you want Harry, this is what I'll give ya

A little bit of Avada mixed with some hard Kedavra

Some magic to jump start my heart quicker

than the shock when I got ripped from my body

when the spell

when it stopped co-operating

When I tried to kill Harry before he grew up and got me

(to Death Eaters)

You waited this long, now stop debating

Cause I'm back, I got my wand and I'm celebrating

(to self)

I know you ain't got a job Ms. Weasley

but your husband's snake bite is complicating

So the MoM won't let me be

or let me be me, so let me see

They try to shut me down by denying

But it feels so empty, without me

(to Harry)

So, come on and duel, show me what you know

No wait, we tried that already, and you put on a good show

But get ready, cause this is about to get heavy

I'm ready to destroy you, I Hate You Harry!

Chorus:

Now this looks like a job for me

So come on Harry, just bow to me

Cause we need a little, magic, you see

Cause it feels so empty, without me

I said-this looks like a job for me

So Death Eaters, just follow me

Cause we need a little, magic, you see Cause it feels so empty, without me

Little Hallion, Harry's feelin rebellious

Mad that I killed his parents off - left him helpless

Lives with his Aunt now - starts gettin' restless

'til the Triwizard comes along and he can yell "Filch"!

I'm visionary, my vision is scary

I'll start a revolution, killing off Muggles

I'm a rebel, so just let me revel and bask in the fact that I got Death Eaters comin' back

But it's a disaster, such a castastrophe

for so many are missing or dead; some deserted me

Well I'm back...na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

(to Death Eaters)

Fix your darn wand tune it in and then I'm gonna enter in, under your skin like a splinter

The center of attention, back for the summer

I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling

Investing in my future - so full of destructing

Testing, attention please

Feel the tension, soon as someone mentions me

Here's my ten cents, my two cents is free

Let's go, get ready, come on Harry!

Chorus:

Now this looks like a job for me

So come on Harry, just bow to me

Cause we need a little, magic, you see

Cause it feels so empty, without me

I said-this looks like a job for me

So Death Eaters, just follow me

Cause we need a little, magic, you see Cause it feels so empty, without me

A-tisket a-tasket, I go tit for tat with

anybody who's talkin: this git, that twit

Sirius Black, you can get your butt kicked

worse than that little Cedric Diggory - dumb kid

And Albie? You can get stomped by Malfoy

You two hundred year old wizard, oh yeah, you'll see...

You don't know me, you're too old, let go

It's over, nobody listens to Fawkes - No!

(to Harry)

Now let's go, just gimme the signal

I'll be there with a whole list full of new dark spells

I been ready, suspenseful with an inked quill

ever since I gave Harry that stupid symbol

(to self)

But sometimes it all just seems

everybody only wants to discuss me

So this must mean I'm dis-gus-ting

But it's just me, I'm just obscene

Oh, I'm not the first wizard of controversy

I am the worst thing since Grindelwald-y

I do black magic so selfishly

and used it to kill lots of people

Hey! Here's a concept that works

Twenty million other Dark wizards emerge

But no matter how many fish in the sea

It has been so empty, without me

Chorus:

Now this looks like a job for me

So come on Harry, just bow to me

Cause we need a little, magic, you see

Cause it feels so empty, without me

I said-this looks like a job for me

So Death Eaters, just follow me

Cause we need a little, magic, you see Cause it feels so empty, without me

Harry!


	4. Chapter 4  Expecto Patronum

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Eminem's song/lyrics rights are not mine.

**Expecto Patronum** (To the tune of Eminem's 8-Mile song, "Lose Yourself")

[Intro]  
>Look.. if you had.. one shot, or one opportunity<br>To seize everything you ever wanted.. in one moment  
>Would you capture it.. or just let it slip? Yo..<br>[Verse 1]  
>His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy<br>There's vomit on his sweater already, Dumbledore's spaghetti  
>He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready<br>to yell charms, but he keeps on forgetting  
>what he should say, the dementors go so loud<br>He opens his mouth but the words won't come out  
>He's chokin, how? Everybody's dyin' now<br>The clock's run out, time's up, over - BLAOW!  
>Snap back to reality, OHH - there goes gravity<br>OHH - there goes Harry, he choked  
>He's so mad, but he won't<br>Give up that easy nope, he won't have it  
>He knows, his whole back's to these ropes<br>It don't matter, he'll cope  
>He knows that, so he goes<p>

He's so sad that he knows  
>when he goes back to his common room, that's when it's<br>back to the lab again, yo, this whole magic bit  
>He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him<br>[Chorus]  
>Lose yourself in magic, Expecto Patronum<br>You better never let it go (go)  
>You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow<br>This opportunity comes once in a lifetime - Unless you're Harry.  
>Lose yourself in magic, Expecto Patronum<br>You better never let it go (go)  
>You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow<br>This opportunity comes once in a lifetime - Unless you're Harry.  
>You better..<br>[Verse 2]  
>Sirius' Soul is escaping, the dementors are taking<br>This charm is his for the making -  
>Say the spell! As we move toward a, new world order<br>His normal life is boring; his superstardom's  
>close to post-mortem, it only grows harder<br>dementors come closer, he blows it's all over  
>These things is all on him, to everyone he sees<br>He's known as the Boy Who Lived -  
>Lonely roads, God only knows<br>He doesn't have any home - got no father  
>Cause Voldemort killed James, and Lily - his mother.<br>But hold your nose cause here comes the cold water  
>The stag doesn't want to come out and take over,<br>He moved on to the next memory that flows  
>He concentrates and screams out, and so the bad things<br>is gone, it unfolds, I suppose it's old partner  
>But the spell goes on da-da-dum da-dum da-dah<br>[Chorus]  
>[Verse 3]<p>

No more games, Harry'll change what you call rage  
>Send these nasty dementors off like two dogs caged<br>He was playin in the beginning, the mood all changed  
>He's been chewed up and spit out and yelled at in rage<br>But he kept chanting and stepped right in the next cypher  
>Best believe he's gonna pay the pied piper<br>All the pain inside amplified by the  
>fact that he'll never know his own parents<br>and his aunt made him live in a cupboard  
>Harry's gonna blow, cause man, these spells don't<br>fix his broken heart, and there's no love  
>There's no magic word and, this is his life<br>And these times are so hard, and it's gettin even harder  
>Tryin to be a normal kid and yet, teeter-totter<br>Caught up between bein a wizard and a primadonna  
>Hears his momma screamin oh, it's too much for him to wanna<br>stay in one spot, another day of celebrity  
>has gotten him to the point, he's like a bomb he's got<br>to formulate a plot, or have his soul sucked out  
>Success is his only realistic option, failure's not<br>So he grabs his wand - the dementors've got to go  
>He went back in time to stop;<br>So here he goes it's his shot, wand fail him not  
>This may be the only opportunity that he's got<br>[Chorus]  
>[Outro]<br>You can do anything you set your mind to, man


	5. Chapter 5  Professor Umbridge

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & West Side Story rights are not mine.

**Professor Umbridge **(in the style of Officer Krumpke from West Side Story)

SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE  
>Hey you!<p>

FRED  
>Who me, Professor Umbridge?<p>

SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE  
>Yeah you, gimme one good reason for not draggin' ya down the Ministry, ya punk!<p>

FRED  
>Dear kind Professor Umbridge<br>You gotta understand  
>It's just our bringin' uppage<br>That gets us out of hand  
>Our mother's too protective<br>Dad plays with Muggle junk…  
>Golly Merlin, natcherly we're punks<p>

FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER  
>Gee, Professor Umbridge<br>We're very upset  
>We never had the life<br>That every child oughta get  
>We ain't no deliquents<br>We're misunderstood  
>Deep down inside us there is good<p>

FRED  
>There is good!<p>

FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER

There is good, there is good  
>There is untapped good<br>Like inside, the worst of us is good

SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE  
>That's a touching good story<p>

FRED  
>Lemme tell it to the world!<p>

SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE  
>Just tell it to the Minister.<p>

GEORGE

Dear kindly Fudge, your Honour  
>My parents treat me rough<br>They don't have any money,  
>So they don't buy me stuff.<p>

They didn't wanna have me  
>But somehow I was had<br>Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad

RON, IMITATING FUDGE

Right! Professor Umbridge,  
>You're really a square<br>These boys don't need me now  
>They needs an analyst's care<br>It's just their neurosis  
>That oughta be curbed<p>

They're psychologically disturbed

FRED  
>I'm disturbed<p>

FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER  
>We're disturbed, we're disturbed<br>We're the most disturbed  
>Like we're psychologically disturbed<p>

RON, IMITATING FUDGE

Hear ye, hear ye. In the opinion of this Wizengamot, these boys are depraved on account they ain't had a normal home.

GEORGE  
>Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!<p>

RON, IMITATING FUDGE

So take him to a headshrinker. You!

DEAN

Who me?

FRED

My daddy loves the muggles  
>My mommy yells at me<br>My brother works with dragons  
>My sister don't like me<br>I've never been a prefect  
>They say I'm far too fresh<br>Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess

DEAN, IMITATING HEAD SHRINKER

Yes, Professor Umbridge,  
>He shouldn't be here<br>This boy don't need a couch  
>He needs a useful career<br>Society's played him a terrible trick  
>And sociologically he's sick<p>

FRED  
>I am sick!<p>

FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER  
>We are sick, we are sick<br>We are sick sick sick  
>Like we're sociologically sick<p>

DEAN, IMITATING HEAD SHRINKER

In my opinion, these boys do not need to have their heads shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.

GEORGE

Hey, I got a social disease!

DEAN, IMITATING HEAD SHRINKER

So take him to a social worker

GEORGE

Dear kindly social worker  
>They tell me get a job<br>Like be a paper pusher  
>Which means I'd be a slob<br>I want to start a joke shop  
>'Cause I like playing pranks<br>Glory Grawpy, that's why I'm a wank

NEVILLE  
>Eek, Professor Umbridge,<br>You've done it again  
>These boys don't need a job<br>They need time in Azkaban!  
>It ain't just a question of misunderstood<br>Deep down inside them is no good

FRED  
>I'm no good<p>

FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER  
>We're no good, we're no good<br>We're no earthly good  
>Like the best of us is just no good<br>The trouble is we're lazy  
>The trouble's we don't think<br>The trouble is we're crazy  
>The trouble is you stink!<br>The trouble is we're growing  
>The trouble is you're grown<br>Umbridge, we've got troubles of our own  
>Professor Umbridge<br>We're down on our knees

FRED

'Cause no one wants a fella  
>With a social disease<p>

FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER  
>Dear Professor Umbridge<br>What are we to do?  
>Gee, Professor Umbridge,<br>Umb you!


	6. Chapter 6  Behind the Tail

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Limp Bizkit song/lyric rights are not mine

**Wormtail's Song** (To the tune of Limp Bizkit's "Behind Blue Eyes")

No one knows what it's like – to be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind the tail….

And no one knows what it's like – to be hated

To be faded – to telling only lies

But my heart is not as empty

As my conscience seems to be

So many hours – I've been so lonely

So take your vengeance,

My soul's not free…

No one knows what it's like

To feel those feelings

But I do – and I blame you!

Because all through the years

You ignored me

You loved Jamesy

Now my pain shows through

But my heart is not as empty

As my conscience seems to be

So many hours – I've been so lonely

This is my revenge

Upon you three…

No one knows what it's like

To be mistreated – to be defeated

Behind the tail

No one cares enough to tell me

That they're sorry

That they wronged me

Into telling lies

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind the tail…


	7. Chapter 7  Ginny's Mom

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Fountains of Wayne song/lyrics rights are not mine

**Ginny's Mom** (To the tune of "Stacy's Mom")

Harry: "Ginny's Mom"

Ginny's mom has got it goin' on  
>Ginny's mom has got it goin' on<br>Ginny's mom has got it goin' on  
>Ginny's mom has got it goin' on<p>

Ginny, can I come over after school? (after school)  
>You know you should really build a pool (build a pool)<br>Did your mom get back from the Ministry? (the Ministry)  
>Is she there, is there a way we can see? (way we can see?)<p>

You know, I'm not the little boy that I used to be  
>I'm all grown up now, Ginny can't you see<p>

Ginny's mom has got it goin' on  
>She's all I want and I've waited for so long<br>Ginny, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
>I know it might be wrong but I think I love Ginny's mom<p>

Ginny's mom has got it goin' on  
>Ginny's mom has got it goin' on<p>

Ginny, do you remember when Ron flew me here? (flew me here?)  
>Your mom came out and shouted something fierce! (something fierce)<br>I could tell she liked me cause she gave me food (gave me food)  
>And I ate it, because I'm not rude. (I'm not rude)<p>

And I know that you think it's just a fantasy  
>But when your dad's on raids, your mom could use a guy like me<p>

Ginny's mom has got it goin' on  
>She's all I want, and I've waited so long<br>Ginny, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
>I know it might be wrong,<br>but I think I love Ginny's mom


	8. Chapter 8  Voldy's Back

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Backstreet Boys' song/lyrics rights are not mine

**Voldy's Back** (To the tune of "Backstreet's Back")

Setting – in the graveyard scene at the end of GobletofFire

[Wormtail]

Everybody...

Rock your body...

Everybody...

Rock your body right

Voldy's back alright!

[Voldemort]

Hey yeah now...

Lookie here, I'm back again

Hey Death Eaters - everybody sing

Gonna bring the magic, show ya how

Got a question for ya, better answer now, yeah hey

[Lucius]

Is he original? (All: Yeah)

[Macnair]

Is he the only one? (All: Yeah)

[Crabbe]

Is he magical? (All: Yeah)

[Voldemort]

Am I everything you need

You better wave your wand around!

All ( Chorus): Everybody (Yeah)

Rock your body (Yeah)

Everybody (Yeah)

Rock your body right

Voldy's back Alright!

Alright!

[Wormtail]

Now throw your hands up in the air

And wave your wand like you just don't care

If you wanna kill, well let me hear ya yell

Cause we got it goin on again

Yeah

[Lucius]

Is he original? (All: Yeah)

[Macnair]

Is he the only one? (All: Yeah)

[Crabbe]

Is he magical? (All: Yeah)

[Voldemort]

Am I everything you need

You better wave your wand around!

Repeat Chorus

All: Oh yeah, oh yeah, you better rock, rock your body...

[Wormtail]

So everybody, everywhere

Be real afraid, have lots of fear

We're gonna tell the world, make them understand

As long as there's the Dark Lord, we'll be comin' back again

All: Ahhhhhhh

Everybody (Yeah)

Rock your body

Everybody

Rock your body right

Voldy's back

Everybody ( Yeah)

Rock your body (Yeah)

Everybody (Yeah)

Rock your body right

Voldy's Back Alright!


End file.
